We are going to re-create this poster using Sam, a bear and the green screen
Sam is playing John
Sam is voicing Ted
Drea is playing Lori
Scene 1: Teddy bear is alive
JOHN
Mom!
Dad! Guess what?! My teddy bear’s
alive!
John’s Mom and Dad look at each other and smile.
JOHN’S
MOM
(playing along)
Really,
sweetie? Well, that’s exciting.
JOHN
No
mom, he’s alive! For real! Look!
Teddy walks in and stands next to John.
TEDDY
Merry
Christmas, everybody!
John’s Dad scrambles to his feet, knocking plates off the
table. John’s mom screams.
JOHN’S
DAD
Looks shocked
TEDDY
Let’s
all be best friends!
JOHN’S
MOM
Oh
my god...
JOHN’S
DAD
John,
get away from that thing! Come
over
here, right now!
JOHN
But
Dad--
JOHN’S
DAD
GET
OVER HERE!
John reluctantly walks over to his dad, who grabs him and
protectively pulls him aside.
Scene
2: Boston girl/ four years
TEDDY
D’ya ever hear a Boston girl have an
orgasm? Oh ya, oh ya, harder, harder, oh good that was so good
TED
Hey,
before I forget, let’s nail down a plan for the
Bruins
game tomorrow night.
JOHN
I
can’t, I’m taking Lori to dinner.
TED
For
what?
JOHN
Well,
we’ve been dating four years
tomorrow.
TED
Oh,
screw me. Nice.
JOHN
Lemme
ask you something... you don’t think she’s gonna be expecting something... big,
do you?
TED
What, like hand cuffs?
Scene
3: Beer
TED
Hey
Johnny, while you’re up, grab me a
beer,
huh?
JOHN
Oh
yeah, a coupla’ Charles Brew-Kowskis?
TED
Yes,
a Brew-stoy-ovski would be nice right about now.
LORI
Jesus.
JOHN
Maybe
a Mike Brew-ga-slow-ski?
TED
Perhaps
a Ted Kazyn-brewski?
LORI
Y’know,
I think I might also have a Martina Navra-ti-brewski.
JOHN/TED
Ohhhh,
that doesn’t work!/Come on, don’t
ruin
it, yeah, that doesn’t work.
LORI
Come
on, what do you mean?
JOHN
It
doesn’t work, the name has to have a “ski” at the end of it. You just put
“brewski” on the end of Martina Navratolova.
LORI
I thought
we were just doing funny names.
TED
No,
it’s gotta have a “ski” at the end. Otherwise where’s the challenge? If there’s
no “ski” at the end of the root word, then we would just be idiots saying
nonsense.
Scene 4: thunder buddies
Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really
don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?
John: I am not!
Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John: Too right.
Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder
song.
John: Alright.
John, Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't
you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words:
/ "Screw you, thunder! / You can suck my stick! / You can't get me thunder
/ 'Cause you're just God's farts!"
Scene 5: gotta move out
JOHN
Ted...
you gotta move out.
TED
Wh...
what?
JOHN
It’s...
it’s gotta happen.
TED
What...what
did I do?
Scene 6: pot/job interview
JOHN
Look,
you get the job, and we’ll celebrate after.
TED
And
if I don’t get the job will we still smoke that pot?
JOHN
Probably,
yes.
TED
Yeah.
Okay, good speech, coach.
FRANK
So.
You think you got what it takes?
TED
Nope.
FRANK
No
one’s ever talked to me like that before. You’re hired.
TED
Poop.
Scene 7: TED
cashier bit
TED
Okay,
so that’s where we’ll draw the line.
Scene 8: mind rape
Ted: I met a girl; she's a cashier.
John: No way! That's awesome! We should like
double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?
Ted: White trash name. Guess.
John: Mandy.
Ted: Nope.
John: Marilyn.
Ted: Nope.
John: Brittany?
Ted: Nope.
John: Tiffany.
Ted: Nope.
John: Candace.
Ted: Nope.
John: Don't mess with me on this! I know this stuff!
Ted: Do you see me messing with you? I'm
completely serious.
John: Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off
some names, and when I hit it, you buzz it, okay? You got me?
Ted: You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.
John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing,
Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha,
Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney,
Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki,
Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie,
Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, *Becky*?
Ted: No.
John: Wait; was it any of those names with a
"Lynn" after it?
Ted: *Yes*.
John: Oh, I got you! I got you!
John: Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...
Ted: Tami-Lynn.
John: Crap
Scene 9: fight scene
TED
Why...why
are you crying?
JOHN
My
stick is in the TV.
TED
I’m
so sorry, Johnny. I’m so sorry.
JOHN
So
am I, man.
TED
I
love you.
JOHN
I
love you, too.
Scene 10: kidnap
Show Ted
getting kidnapped and putting a bag over his head
NARRATOR
Donny
was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The
charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded.